I walked through mud. I fell to temptation, let the attacks hit, and did not wear my armor. I let go of Jesus's hand and walked through the mud. My feet that He had washed clean were riddled with dirt again. I fell hard against Satan's attacks, with a thud that shattered my entire life. Hard heartedness, deceit, anger, resentment, severe selfishness, disobedience, and broken commandments followed this great shattering. My marriage was almost destroyed. I was ready to divorce my husband over things I couldn't forgive. I thought that we were 100% over, so I even stepped out of my marriage. I had walked down a dark path, far away from Jesus, but He did not let me stay there. Thank you, Jesus!
I had personally nailed my coffin shut and entered death once more — a spiritual death that creeped into my physical life. The enemy had made me think that I was thriving in this sin I had fallen into, and I justified it all! I was losing weight, pursuing old friendships, diving into hobbies, building relationships with people I should not have been engaging with... but I thought my life was getting better. I refused to acknowledge the anger that had bred from my deep selfishness. That selfishness, putting myself before anything else, gave birth to many sins that overtook my sense of self. It was like a disease spreading throughout me. It bloomed in my heart and spread from there, taking over my emotions and thoughts which then took over my words which then took over my actions. My own dirty hands had rolled a stone in front of the tomb that I had entered, I had engulfed myself in death — but Jesus is still rolling stones! He called my name again and when I finally listened and heard I ran out of that grave right into His open arms! I have never had such a radical change in my life before. My family could see a physical difference in me! They told me how even my face looked different, how I just seemed lighter and happier. I was dead, and now I am alive. Jesus resurrected me!
Jesus had knelt down and washed me clean of my sin. Prior to this everything was so cloudy and unclear. I was in a haze and hadn't even realized it. Hindsight really is 20/20. The enemy blindfolded and shackled me. When Christ freed me I could see how the enemy had been deceiving me. It happens to Christians and believers every single day. Just because they know the Lord does not mean they are walking alongside Him. I was back and forth between being on fire for God and being lukewarm my entire life. I am fairly certain I would not have been with the Father on judgement day, but I will be now. I am forever changed from my lukewarmness! I knew the scriptures, I knew about Christ, I claimed to love Him! But I was not obeying! I was not bearing the fruit He commands us to bear! Friends, I am telling you right now — to believe in Christ is to obey His commandments and Word! I now thirst to please and obey Him. The death He endured is nothing compared to the submission He asks of us! God incarnate sacrificed Himself, lived a blameless human life (yes, human — He hungered, He ached, was ill, learned, witnessed horrors, loved others, faced adversity, worked, laughed, cried, was part of humanity!), submitted unto the Father and surrendered to His will, taught His people, and was given the worst death that He could have been given all just to make a way for you to be with Him for eternity! Eternal death is separation from God. Jesus mercifully took on every single one of your sins and died in your place. One of the first things He had taught me in this resurrection was to surrender. I began praying more, and as I did I felt that still, small whisper of God urging me to surrender to Him. My brother told me of the story told in Luke 9:57-62 a few weeks before I had this radical change - Jesus had been chasing me and I felt it, I was just being stubborn. In those verses it talks about someone saying they would follow Jesus, but they had to say goodbye to their family first. I instantly knew that God had that brought to my attention purposefully. I have always felt this great responsibility to help my family. I have all younger siblings, grandparents who need help, and my mother who has always worked herself to near death. How can I follow Jesus if I am holding onto my family? If I am holding onto finances? A job? Hobbies? The city I was raised in? My home, my car? Myself? Was I really putting that much before the One who died for me? The One who brought me back to life? I realized nothing else mattered if I didn't have Jesus.
One night, just a few weeks ago, I knelt down on my knees, my face on the ground, and surrendered each one of my family members to the Lord. One by one, each by name. My mother had suggested earlier to do a physical motion of handing something over to God and placing it in His hands. I did that as well. The Lord told me He would take care of them. The verses from Matthew 6:26-34 came to mind during this prayer. He takes care of the birds in the air and the fish in the sea, how much more will He take care of us, the ones made in His image? I would rather my family be taken care of by God than me. I know He will take care of them perfectly. I told the Lord I would leave and go wherever He calls me from that moment on. Since then I have been surrendering more and more to Him, and in my submission I have found a freedom I have never felt before. I am not bound by these things as I once was. I have had a joy inside of me that hasn't left, even when I have struggled. Nothing else matters when you truly have Jesus inside of you!
Christ has changed my life around in a way I had never thought was possible, which is absolutely insane considering how I was raised knowing it were possible. He has given me the ability to forgive things I never thought I would, to rectify myself from situations I had forgotten about from over a decade ago, revived my marriage, given me undeniable love, peace and joy, revived my marriage, helped me pray for my enemies, has been teaching me how to hear His voice, is speaking to others through me, given me a hope I haven't felt in years, wiped my sins, and taught me how to be humble before Him and submit. Well, He's still teaching me that! But the life He has created from the ashes of death I had become is nothing short of a miracle! I have felt His presence like never before. The Holy Spirit has been so strong. I cannot afford to live a day without Him now.
I had been ashamed to turn to Him for a while. I also wasn't ready to let go of my sin. I wish I could hit past me in the back of the head for being so stubborn and dumb! His grace worked so radically that I don't even fully remember this transformation. I remember being in my sin one day, the tugging feeling on my heart getting stronger, then I finally admitted my sin to God and before I knew it I was sobbing in my car praising Him and thanking Him! That quickly He had saved me once again. I urge you to not be afraid to go to Him! He already knows what you've done, what you've felt and thought. He mourns with and for you. But most of all? He wants you to come to Him with it. Let Him be your comforter and healer. Let Him love you. Claim the love He has eternally been pouring out for you. It will not fail. It will redefine the meaning of love in you, I promise. He will make you alive.
His love has, once again, abounded in my life. His salvation, grace and mercy have washed over me like a wave in the ocean. I am so happy to be His prodigal daughter! Thank You for bringing me home, Father! I am more and more desperate for You every single day, I will never have enough of Your light and love. Even though I fall and trip and mess things up, You still love me. I will forever proclaim Your holy name!
Religion judges and casts you out for having dirty feet. Jesus kneels down to wash them. Do not run to religion, but to Yeshua, our Messiah, our Savior. He will wash you clean and welcome you home. Step into the everlasting love He has for you and find out for yourself. Christ says to you today, "Welcome home, my child."
All you have to do is go home.
I am home. Thank you, Abba.
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